


Gray Space

by badseb



Series: The story of Balthazar (and Sam) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Timeline, Anxiety, BAMF Balthazar, Balthazar is suddenly struck by feels and is unwell, Balthazar is wonderful, Balthazar likes Sam, Balthazar's POV, Balthazar/Sam - Freeform, Bisexual Sam Winchester, Crush, Dean Loves Pie, Dean is cranky, Dean winchester has a hangover, F/M, Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel Balthazar, Implied Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Muse- Endlessly, Muse- Falling Away with You, POV Alternating, Pansexual Balthazar, Protective Balthazar, Salthazar - Freeform, Sam - Freeform, Sam Has Anxiety, Sam Winchester is the purest, Sam is too pure, Sam's POV, Spoilers, Unrequited, alternate timeline because I moved things around, balthazar - Freeform, don't worry Cass didn't actually kill the dog, fall of heaven, jk idk when the hell this is supposed to happen, kill your feelings, pls don't eat me, small part Castiel, small part Gabriel, somewhere in season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-30 01:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8513611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badseb/pseuds/badseb
Summary: Balthazar is Sam's Guardian Angel. He takes his job seriously. He can't let a silly crush get in the way. He's more mature than that.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be just the first chapter, but I continued it. I'm not sure if I like it better as just the first or the whole thing, but here it is. I'm sorry it's sad, but I hope you like it!

Balthazar left quickly.  
The Winchesters were set to go and he wanted out of their presence.

It wasn't like he was alone. And maybe it was. He got around well enough- Humans seemed to find him appealing. He'd picked an attractive vessel and he knew a lot about pleasing people. It wasn't like he had to go a night without some sort of contact if he didn't want to. But something about Sam made him feel hollow when he wasn't around. Sam was so complicated. And his soul was so beautiful.

That was what Balthazar found attractive about people. He liked when it shone, when you could see it in their eyes, taste it in their kiss. He didn't want that energy to use, like other Angels. He had an arsenal of magical weapons that negated most of the need for the shiny little things to get what he wanted. And despite his love for the finer things and keeping his fine ass safe, Balthazar never felt the need to increase his power greatly. No, when it came to souls, he just liked to see them. Appreciate them. In a strange way it was almost like he wanted to worship them. Not in the sense that was strictly religious, either.  
He laughed and walked across the living room of his Parisian mansion. He had everything. He was safe from the war. He surrounded himself in beauty. But he wanted to share it, and he wanted to share it with Sam.

"Damn it." He said softly to himself, pouring a drink. If only Sam was just some other person he could seduce. 

Balthazar didn't like using magic like some Angels did. He believed in a fair fight when it came to love, only taking to the field what the other person had. He flirted like Humans did and loved every second.  
But he couldn't just flirt with Sam. It was different somehow. Sam's soul was so bright and beautiful. It would be too forward to just...he shook his head.

Ethics weren't something that usually bothered Balthazar. He didn't hurt people when he didn't have to, and that was generally his rule. He was a dick sometimes, he admitted, but usually it was in the name of comedy and boredom more than anything else.

But no.  
He couldn't have Sam. 

Firstly, he was pretty sure that Sam was what the humans called "straight". That ruled him out of the picture. He liked his vessel. It suited him and reflected who he was. There was a reason he'd picked it, after all. The thought of taking a female vessel made his skin crawl- especially if it would be just to get with Sam.  
And secondly, he felt too...protective. It was the situation, was all. It wasn't the kind of relationship that gets to be sexual, he told himself. 

He sighed.

He felt like a child, damn it. He was better than this, more mature than this. He would ignore his thoughts of Sam and eventually they would die. He downed his glass and went off in search of distraction.

~~~~

He called, like he always did. Balthazar kissed the man he'd had in his bed and pulled up his pants, bidding goodnight to the woman who'd joined them. He pulled on his shirt and rubbed his face, appearing before the Winchester. 

"What is it," he sighed, defeatedly. He'd finally gotten to a place where he wasn't thinking about Sam, and, lo and behold, Sam's own voice hit the back of his brain. He was happy to come for Sam, but-  
he laughed at the way he'd phrased his thoughts. Yes he would be happy to come for Sam. He'd be happy to do almost anything for Sam, with his long hair that captured the sun, his dark eyes that squinted when he was angry in the most beautiful way because he was confident and sure, his laugh...oh the things-

"Balthazar?"

"Oh- yes, sorry darling, uh, pretend I wasn't listening," he asked, smiling. He shook the thoughts of Sam out of his head and tried to concentrate on Sam now, in his collared shirt and jeans, right in front of him asking for help. 

"I just...need to get a fix on Dean. Please, I know the Angel-markings make it hard but I know you've got the mojo-"  
Balthazar held up his hand to silence Sam with a cocky grin. He pulled a talisman from his pocket and focused on helping him. 

"Here," he said, pointing on a map Sam had laid out. 

"Really?" Sam asked, impressed. 

"Really." Balthazar replied. 

"Uh, great! Thanks-" he said, marking the spot Balthazar had touched with a pencil and scooping up the map and the rest of his things- guns, various wooden spears, and a jar of...Balthazar sniffed- dog blood. He wondered fleetingly who killed the dog. Probably Cass. He was on a different plane of...understanding. Direct, his brother. Much like Dean. Sam was more like him. More likely to see the gray area. 

"Where do you think you're going, darling?" he asked as Sam headed for the door with a pistol shoved hastily in his waistband. 

"I've gotta get Dean," he said, confused.

"Without your Guardian Angel?" he asked, arms outspread and a look of fake hurt on his face. Sam sighed.

"You know Dean doesn't like it when-" 

"Sorry, do I look like I care?" Balthazar replied, striding over to Sam.

"Besides, riding me will be quicker." 

"What?" Sam asked, but he disregarded the comment as the Angel tapped his shoulder and the world shifted around them, stopping outside an old warehouse. 

"Why don't these things ever happen anywhere nice?" Lamented Balthazar, fingers fiddling in his pockets, deciding what kind of talismans he might need. It turned out to just be Vampires, though- just sick Humans. He escorted Sam safely through the doors before disappearing. 

"Some Guardian Angel," Sam scoffed, unsheathing his machete.

"Heard that," said Balthazar, reappearing suddenly beside him, twirling a leather collar around his finger. 

"Why are Vampires always so kinky?" he mused. Sam hushed him.

"Oh, it's okay. I cured them." Balthazar said.  
Sam looked shocked.

"...cured?" he asked, something gorgeous blooming behind his eyes.

"Yes darling. All of them. They'll wake up come nightfall and wonder what they're doing here. I erased their memories of course- pretty sure they'd rather not remember what they've been-" Balthazar stopped suddenly, realizing that what he was saying might hurt Sam, but before he was able to say anything else Sam was hugging him tightly. 

"Thank you," he said, sincerely. Balthazar blushed, glad that Sam couldn't see his face.

"Any time love," he said, patting his back gingerly when all he wanted to do was push him against the wall and-

"I'd better go get Dean-" said Sam, running off. Balthazar smiled, and went home. He didn't want Dean to see he'd helped. 

He stood there for a long time, thinking about Sam's hug. He'd felt it, Sam's soul- brighter than the sun, making everything pure and beautiful, even when things were terrible. He felt fulfilled. He'd made this beautiful giant happy. He'd done something that meant something to this Human who had been hurt countless times. And it was something that spoke to him. He could have just gone in and helped kill the Vampires. But curing them meant so much more to Sam. It meant there was hope. That there was kindness. That sometimes things did go right. Balthazar glanced at his talisman. Sam and Dean were back in their hotel, safe. He grinned at that but quickly shoved the talisman back into his pocket. He wasn't about to stalk Sam. But he didn't put the magical thing back on his shelf either. What if Sam needed him and he couldn't find him just from a prayer? It was a stupid, nonsensical justification, but he took it anyway. 

He ran his hand through his hair. Angels don't get hurt, he told himself. We're not allowed to feel it. 

He shook his head. He was just a little drained from that mass-healing. Honestly it wouldn't have been possible without a little help from his arsenal, and the hug Sam had given him had given him a little strength back in some strange way, but he was still tired. He kicked off his shoes and put on some nightclothes, poured himself a drink and went to bed. He slept soundly and had magnificent dreams that he was glad he didn't remember entirely when he woke. But they involved Sam and hugging, the naked kind. 

He was a gentleman and he would fucking act like one if it fucking killed him. Besides, he'd had naked dreams about loads of people. 

He decided to go out for breakfast. He needed the distraction.

Like other Angels, Balthazar didn't need to eat. But he was partial to Human pleasures, and that included food. Humans made some excellent food. And as an Angel, he didn't have the sorts of limitations on eating as Humans did. So he could confidently eat a huge pile of chocolate crepes with raspberries and powdered sugar every damn morning without repercussion if that's what it took to get his mind off Sam.  
He'd heard of something called 'emotional eating' but he didn't think it applied to Angels. So he distracted himself pretty well with good food and wine and beautiful people and music that was too loud. He was a classy person for the most part, but he had keen ability to enjoy a lot of different things. He could feel just as at-home in the velvet seats of Carnegie Hall as he could in the back of some sweaty club grinding to Dubstep and Rhianna. In all honesty, though, he knew that he was just searching for the next distraction to get his mind off a particular hunter.

It took him about two weeks to finally forget the feeling of Sam's sunshine-soul beating in his pretty chest when he'd hugged him. He was experimenting with two models and a chocolate fountain when Sam was suddenly in his brain again. 

"Balthazar...if you're out there, uh, I could really use some help. Dean and I are fighting this thing and...we need one of your weapons-"  
Balthazar felt Sam's voice run over the back of his brain. 

"Alright ladies, thank you for your time-I'm terribly sorry, but I must go-" he said, disappearing. He licked a bit of chocolate off his finger as he stood before Sam. Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Want a taste?" Balthazar asked teasingly, although he was crumbling on the inside.

"Uh, no, look, Dean doesn't know-"

"I know."

Sam took a deep breath and nodded.

"So you need something from my arsenal?" Balthazar asked, trying not to let his eyes stay too long on Sam. Something inside him had fallen and made him feel like breaking down and crying. But he was stronger than that. 

"Uh, yeah, we- I- was wondering if you had the Song of Solomon." he asked.  
Balthazar hesitated.

"The Song of Solomon?" he asked, incredulous.  
Sam looked confused but nodded.

"What the hell are you fighting?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"A horde of Sirens. They've got Bobby. If they die, if we go in and kill them, Bobby dies too. Dean figures if we could use the Song on them, it would reverse the power of their spell." He said. Balthazar nodded slowly. Then shrugged.

The Song was one of the lamer-looking things he hadn't really tried out much with. He honestly wasn't completely sure of it's properties other than the obvious. 

"Sounds good." he said. "But this is a very powerful love-spell. Can I trust that it will come directly back to me, and that it won't end up...creating more chaos that we'll have to clean up?" Balthazar trusted Sam, but there was a reason it was his job to guard the arsenal.

Sam nodded. "I promise." he said. Balthazar grinned.

"You know, Dean's going to know you called me." He said.  
Sam sighed. 

"He wanted to try to steal it from you. That would be ridiculous." 

"It would be!" said Balthazar, pulling the scroll from his enchanted jacket-pocket. He wondered fleetingly if it could be used to help his situation. Maybe if he made himself fall in love with someone else, it would take his mind off Sam. But he knew it wouldn't. It would just make the life of the poor soul he aimed his love at hell, having their lover always thinking of someone else-if they even reciprocated, that is. No one liked to stay around after the party was over, and Balthazar usually liked that. No strings no obligations. But he often wondered what it would be like to have someone actually love you as much as you did them. Someone who cared for you, wanted to stay the morning after.

"Hey, you okay?" Sam asked, noticing the Angel's eyes get lost in thought. 

"What? -yes, wonderful. How are you?"

Sam hesitated. "Uh, you know, pretty okay."

"Good- um, here's the scroll, call me if you need me." he said, making a dumb finger-phone gesture. Sam laughed and Balthazar disappeared.

Hopelessly in love. He shook his head. He wouldn't let this happen. He went into his pantry and took out some hallucinogenic mushrooms. They worked a little differently on Angels, but he had a few tricks up his sleeve. He went into his bedroom, which was the safest room in his house, and took a rug out from a closet. The rug was painted with an Angel-mark that would negate his ability to heal and regenerate, allowing him to feel it. 

He sat in the middle and toyed with the drugs before he ate them, thinking. He suddenly thought of Sam and the Demon blood binge he'd been on. Visions of him drinking it and going off the walls would have been arousing were it not for the sadness and pain associated with them for Balthazar on Sam's behalf. 

He wondered what Sam would say about the 'shrooms. Not that it mattered- Balthazar wasn't and never would be Sam's to worry about, and his relationship with Sam was strictly that of a bodyguard. 

He stepped off the rug and rolled it back up and put it away. Snapping his fingers, he lit the bowl, burning the mushrooms. He could smell them, but of course, he remained painfully sober. He considered going out. Finding someone.  
No, he decided, he should learn to be self-sufficient. If he could survive without Sam he could survive alone.  
Damn it to hell he was such a child. What about Sam made him like this?! He was an adult. Mature. And here he was acting like a middle-schooler. He took a cold shower and hit the clubs. 

~~~~

Months passed. The only contact he'd had with the Winchesters was to pick up the Song (it hadn't worked, but Castiel helped them). He took it and left hurriedly without making much conversation, and quickly buried himself again. 

Balthazar was going through the motions, trying to be happy- and he was, for the most part. The worst was not knowing. Not knowing for sure if Sam didn't want him. That tiny bit of hope stuck him in the heart like a sliver of glass, bleeding him out slowly. But he slapped a band-aid on it and smiled like he always did. He was getting on fine, more or less, until one night a prayer hit the back of his head.

"Balthazar- help-" Sam's voice was weak and broken, with something terrible growing under it. 

Balthazar disappeared straight from his seat in the dark concert hall and grabbed Sam, who was falling. With a flutter of wings they were safe, back in Balthazar's house. 

He didn't mean for it to be here, he wasn't thinking. He just went to whatever place first screamed 'safe' in his mind and flew there. He laid Sam down on the floor.  
Carefully, he placed his hand on his Sam's head as Sam struggled, crying out. 

He was infected with something bad. Balthazar concentrated on healing him, the light shining white out of his eyes, his brown wings stretching themselves out as shadows into this dimension as he crossed them, pulling the power together to rid Sam of whatever it was that was hurting him. 

Sam screamed and it was over. Light and wings gone, Balthazar wrapped an arm around Sam and flew him back to where he'd found him- in the hotel. He knew what it was now, though. He reached under the mattresses and pulled out the hex bags, burning them with a flick of his wrist. Sam sat on the bed, breathless. 

"Are you alright?" asked Balthazar. Sam nodded slowly.

"That was a very powerful one," he said, as Sam looked down at the floor.

"I didn't know she was a Witch. I mean I knew she was...different, I guess that's what got me. I'm sick of everyone who's different ending up bad. Is that what's going to happen to me?!" he asked angrily. Balthazar's heart sank. 

"No- no it won't. I know your soul, Sam, I can see it. It's good. And you won't let it be corrupted. I know sometimes Dean sees people like us as dangerously available to the next slot in monsterdom, but that doesn't mean we're bad." He said very quickly. Sam clenched his jaw.

"You're not bad, Sam. Different, and powerful, and beautiful. Not bad."

Sam looked nervously around.

"Now you're starting to sound like Lucifer." he said darkly.

"And why do you think he said those things?" Balthazar asked angrily. "He knew what you were afraid of and he knew what you needed to hear. He didn't care that it was actually the truth, as long as it would get you to trust him. I'm good, aren't I? For the most part? I'm not Human. I'm 'supernatural'. Dean's beloved Cass is 'supernatural'. Amy was 'supernatural'." He continued, not sure where he was going with this. Sam looked sad and distant. 

"You're not bad, Sam. And if it looks like you're headed that way I'll always be there to pull you out. I'll catch you if you fall." he said. Sam hung his head.

"Thanks Balthazar. I'm really glad you- understand. It means a lot to me. I'm not sure why you chose me to protect. Maybe you're just bored or maybe there's something else in it for you, but I really appreciate it." he said. He looked crushed. Balthazar wanted to go over to him, now more than ever. He wanted to wrap his arms around him, to kiss him, to show him how he saw him.

"I feel like you understand me more than most people." Sam said. Balthazar hesitated, then shrugged. 

"Some Angels like to use souls for power. I just like to look at them. Yours is bright. Brighter than almost anyone's I've ever seen. It's pretty easy to understand once you get a good look at it." he said, trying to sound nonchalant. 

Sam laughed.

"Thanks." he said darkly, but smiled at the Angel. He grinned back.

"Well, uh, where's Dean?" he asked. Sam looked away. 

"He went out. I was doing this by myself." 

"Meaning, you had another fight about monsters and morality and Dean decided to go fuck out his feelings and you decided to go talk to the lady in question?"

"No...uh, I met her, and...we just kinda clicked. We got together and then Dean found out she was a Witch. We burned her stuff and she got away. She was angry so she hexed us. Guess we had it coming. Don't tell Dean I said that. Dean was real mad and left to go drinking, so only I got the present." he said. He sounded broken.  
Balthazar nodded slowly. 

"So she's out there?" he asked without emotion. Sam nodded.

"Why don't I go talk to her, make sure she doesn't go off the deep end."

"You won't...kill her will you? she's really nice- I don't think she would've used the magic like that if she wasn't threatened. She-" Balthazar held up his hand with an easy smile.

"I won't harm her, I promise. You know me Sam." he said, and was gone. 

The Witch was in a pretty little house by the lake. She answered the door when he knocked. He could smell her magic all over her, but he could also see her soul. It was pretty, and almost as bright as Sam's. He could see why they'd clicked. He smiled sadly when he thought that he didn't have a soul and was ultimately rather dark. He wasn't even Sam's type. 

"Hello?" she asked. She smiled but Balthazar could tell she was still on edge from being attacked. 

"Hello," he said, smiling kindly. "I'd like to talk to you for a bit...one supernatural being to another." he said softly.

~~~~

Balthazar reappeared about forty-five minutes later in the hotel. Sam was researching on his laptop, the faint glow reflecting off his face in the dark room. 

"She's safe, and she's good." said Balthazar. Sam jumped from his sudden appearance but relief flooded his face. 

"Good..." he said, a sad smile taking hold now.

"I told her you were sorry, but she wasn't too happy. She was angry that you two thought...well, I'm sure you know." he said, not wanting to hurt Sam with the fact that his relationship wouldn't fly. Balthazar had tried, he really had. He told her Sam had been mislead, that he was a good person. She wouldn't have any of it. Balthazar understood, but he didn't enjoy the news for Sam's sake. 

"And I went to Dean. I told him I took care of her. Showed him some burned bones I keep around for situations like this. I think if you don't bring it up with him he'll be fine." Sam looked incredibly happy. 

"Thank you so much, Balthazar," he gushed. He looked like he was about to cry. Balthazar knew that it was about a lot of things.

Sam sighed stiffly and looked at the Angel. "I hurt everyone I fall in love with." he said softly.  
Balthazar sat down next to him.

"I wish I could see people like you do. Or that I could just...turn it off like Dean. Put everything in black and white."

Balthazar laughed. "I'm sorry, darling, you're just too Human." he said, reaching up but stopping himself from touching Sam's hair. He played it off, and luckily Sam was distracted. 

"I just wish..." he shook his head, looking down at the floor.

"I wish this was as easy for me as it is for Dean." he said.

"God no. Someone has to hold him back from killing infants." Balthazar said. Sam smiled a kind of desolate smile.  


"Yeah, guess you're right there. Kinda wish...this is dumb, but I wish I could find someone who...understood. I got so close with Gemma, she was...it could have been great." he finished softly. Balthazar wasn't sure what to say.

"Sometimes we can't get who we want, darling." He said finally. Sam looked over at him, but he disappeared. 

He couldn't say anything to Sam. He knew that the only thing that could help Sam was distance and time. 

Balthazar put the talisman on his shelf. He wouldn't carry around the tempting and slightly creepy ability to know where Sam was all the time. He felt as if he was a better person since he started liking Sam, and in a way he was afraid of loosing that when he finally got over him. But he knew deep down he wouldn't loose it. He'd been healing monsters all the time now, and not because it made him feel like he was making Sam happy or keeping Sam safe like it did when he'd started after the Vampire nest, but because he felt as if it were the right thing to do when he could.  
He poured himself a drink and stood on a beach that was being hammered by a storm. It was gratifying. He wished he could help Sam. But he knew Sam would be okay. Just like he would.  
They were adults. Well, Sam was still a child in a lot of ways. But this was what it was about. This is what made you able to stand up on your own. Able to navigate the world without getting hurt so much. 

He downed the glass and laughed into the storm, unable to decide if he wanted to go to Broadway or Tokyo tonight.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam notices Balthazar is acting strangely around him, and he starts noticing his feelings for his Guardian Angel are different than he expected them to be. Too bad it would never work out.

Sam was laying in bed thinking. 

He liked to run through the day, think everything over. If any part hurt or felt wrong he would think it through. Find out why.

Dean would say it was silly, but it made sense to Sam. They both did this with their bodies when they finished a job, making sure all of their wounds were clean and all set to heal if they had time. The brain is part of the body. Wounds are different there, but still happen.

Besides, it helped clear everything out. He didn't have to drink himself to sleep like Dean because he'd worked out all the knots left by the job in his mind. He was clear-eyed in the morning and better able to fight, and it helped him remember important things in case they came up again. Win-win.

It was hard, though, going toward the parts that hurt, but Sam had gotten used to it. He liked that he could force himself to face these things and get them worked out as best he could. It made him feel strong.

Lately there hadn't been anything too catastrophic. He had been pretty upset about Gemma, but she was still alive and well, and would avoid him and Dean, which meant she would be safe. Balthazar said she wouldn't go bad, which made him happy for her and hopeful for himself. He had accepted the course of events and was okay with it. He hadn't needed to shoot or kill anyone or any thing in the past few weeks, and he was generally well-situated. As well as one could be in the life.

It only took him about a minute to run through the day and decide that nothing needed addressing. So he lined up his thoughts and, as usual, pulled a card to help him get to sleep. 

It was something he'd been doing ever since he was little. He'd find a thought or idea that was happy or beautiful or comforting that would sing him to sleep. Lately it'd been the same card. Just a generic happy feeling he'd been using these past few weeks. He never gave it much thought. 

He had known it as a collection of thoughts. The smell of expensive whiskey and the sound of feathers rustling and a black blazer. A feeling of safety and happiness. A specific snippet of voice saying something nondescript, just encapsulating the timbre and sound of it. Usually by then he was asleep. 

But tonight he was more awake, and he continued following these thoughts deeper. A v-neck t-shirt and rock-star jeans. An English accent. A wry little smile surrounded by blond stubble.  
A face-

Sam opened his eyes and sat up.

Balthazar.

Why was his happy thought Balthazar?! 

He laid back down slowly, thinking hard. This was completely different from anything he'd had to work through. He knew the formula for grief. He knew the formula for shame, for self-hatred, for guilt, for fear, for regret, for anger- but this was entirely new. He took a deep breath. He was becoming dangerously well-adjusted. He took it slow.

Balthazar. 

It made sense in a way. Sam wasn't quite sure what it meant, but it made sense.  
Balthazar protected him. He helped him. It made sense for his subconscious to feel like the Angel was a safe place. Sam was tempted to say that was it and leave it, but he knew there was more to it than that.

He pushed towards it, trying to stay honest.

They were similar in a lot of ways. They both had brother issues. Both teetered on the edge, facing every problem asking what was right and what was wrong and why. Sam could relate to Balthazar.

He laid his head back. That was it. He closed his eyes.

Also, Balthazar supported him. He was "there to catch him if he fell". Sam didn't like to let on how comforting those words were. It wasn't Dean's "I'll take care of you if you become a monster", or his "I'll make sure nothing happens to you"- which Sam appreciated, of course- but Balthazar's protection was different. It was without judgement and without finality. It was full of hope, and something else. It was accepting the fact that he might go off the rockers but was also saying that it wasn't likely, and that even if it did happen, there could still be hope. 

That was it. He was done now. Balthazar was his safe place, his Guardian Angel. Back at the beginning. That was good. He'd gone full circle and he understood it now. He closed his eyes and fell asleep thinking.

~~~~

"Well you look happy," said Dean when Sam came out of the shower. 

"Good mornin'," said Sam, smiling.

"Yeah." said Dean, rubbing his face. He rolled off the bed and pushed past Sam into the bathroom. Sam opened his computer and checked the news. 

There was a case, turned out, and it was a creepy one. Coven of Witches decided to traumatize a bunch of people. They took care of it, but it was messy. Sam ended up with a fire-iron-sized hole in his side. Dean was about to rush him to the hospital when Balthazar appeared.

Without saying anything the Angel knelt down beside Sam and put his palm on his forehead. Sam gasped as he felt the pain leave his body, catching his breath.

"Thanks-" he said, holding Balthazar's arm to steady himself. 

"Any time-" said Balthazar, cutting himself short before the usual automatic endearments he used with everyone. Sam didn't think anything of it, but smiled at the Angel. He helped Sam up and put his hand in his pocket. He looked on-edge.

"Everything okay?" Sam asked.

"Yes," said Balthazar with an easy smile. Something about him was different. The fluid grace that he usually held seemed stiff, restrained. But Sam didn't have much time to think about it because Dean called and Balthazar vanished.

"I got the- Sam!" he said, rushing to him.

"You're healed- was it Cass?" he asked, looking around as if worried he'd missed him.

"No, uh, it was Balthazar." said Sam. Dean frowned.

"He saved me, Dean. Like it or not he's my Guardian Angel."

Dean scoffed.

"What so it's okay for you and Cass but as soon as it's Balthazar protecting me it's weird?"

"Cass and I are different." said Dean defensively. "And I trust Cass."

"Yeah." said Sam, trying to hold back a grin. 

"Shut up. Let's go." Dean said, climbing in the car.

~~~~

Sam lay in bed thinking. He went over everything. He got through it fairly easily- he knew the formulas for the thought processes, it was just plugging in the numbers at this point. The case was nasty, but there had been worse he'd had to chew through, and at least this one was more black-and-white. They saved a lot of people and that helped. He got his thoughts lined up on the windowsill of his sub-conscious and found a happy thought to get him to sleep.

Not to his surprise, his happy thought was Balthazar, as usual. He could still feel the adrenaline running through his body from being stabbed, and when he thought of it he could feel it even though he was healed. That kind of thing left you scared, in a dull kind of way. It was just your body reacting, surprised that the pain was over earlier than it expected to be. He put his hand on his side where he'd been healed, and made his happy thought a little stronger. Balthazar was there in his mind, laying on the other edge of the bed in front of him in his blazer and his rock-star jeans and his boots. He was sleeping and he looked peaceful, but Sam knew he was protecting him.

Of course, Sam knew, this was just a thought. There was nothing there on the bed beside him. But it helped him sleep to pretend, and he fell asleep smiling. 

~~~~

The next day was uneventful, just looking around and fishing for a case. No leads on any of the big stuff they had on the table. 

It was stressful spinning wheels like that, but it was as close as they got to a day off these days. No leads used to mean 'good, no one's dying, no case today'. Now no leads meant people were dying and shit was nearing the fan and there was nothing they could do about it. Dean decided to end the day in the pub, and Sam turned off the TV as soon as he left to do some digesting. Despite the bigger things he felt obliged to worry about, he was worried about Balthazar. 

He wasn't sure why- if anyone could take care of himself, Balthazar could. But ever since Gemma things seemed different. He seemed quick and restrained. In an odd way though. He still smiled his warm, winning smile, still looked out for him, still answered his prayers- so Sam was pretty sure it wasn't that the Angel was mad at him. He looked around.

He closed his eyes.

"Uh, hey, Balthazar. I know...well, this is dumb and I don't want to waste your time- there's nothing wrong I just...wanna talk. If you have a second."

"About what, darling?" Balthazar asked softly. Sam opened his eyes to see the Angel in front of him.

"Um...well you just seemed...cagey lately and I just wanted...are you okay?" Sam finally said. 

Balthazar smiled.

"A-okay, sweetie." he said, producing a whiskey and handing it to Sam before producing a second. He swirled it around in his glass a little. Sam clasped his hands around the glass and looked at the Angel expectantly.

"Well, um, you see darling, sometimes things happen in people's lives, and sometimes they're complicated and take a while to work through, to get over. This means you're working hard for a long time and can result in a curt demeanor. Please don't take it personal, love." he rambled. Dean would have flipped, but Sam knew he wasn't being condescending. If anything, it sounded like he was protecting himself. He sipped his whiskey as Sam thought.

"Well, if you need anything, if I can help you with anything, please, just call me." said Sam. "I know there's not much I can do for an Angel, but if there is something, promise you'll let me know?"

Balthazar looked surprised but gave a sad little smile.

"Will do love." He said, and disappeared.

For some reason, Sam didn't believe him- but there wasn't much he could do. It was likely that Balthazar's problems were way out of Sam's pay-grade, and that he wouldn't be able to do anything about them anyway. He drank the whiskey. The room felt empty without Balthazar, and a strange nagging feeling in the back of his mind told him he should call the Angel back. But he shook this thought out of his head quickly.

Balthazar was a person. An extremely powerful person who had randomly decided to care about Sam's well-being. He wasn't some dog Sam could call over every time he was lonely. He emptied the glass and laid back, resting it on his chest. 

He had trouble letting go. It was what hurt the most- knowing there was something wrong and not doing anything about it. The days of hiding in college were over. Though he missed that life, he didn't miss the feeling of knowing people were getting hurt and he couldn't help.  
He had been selfish. He rubbed his face.

Was it selfish to want a life?

His thoughts went to Jessica. They were still sad and painful, thoughts of her, but he could think them now. She had been like his Guardian Angel back then. He didn't know how he was getting on without her, but he knew he was- and he knew that would make her happy. In a way, though, the memory of Jess was attached to an older version of him. He hoped that was okay. It meant he was growing again. He would continue his life where it took him and try to be the best person he could. Jess and him were kids. Things were different now.

That didn't stop the same thing from happening over and over though. Jess and Amy and Gemma and everyone else he seemed to show any interest in ended up dead or hurt. He felt cursed. He rolled over on his side and curled up in anticipation of the coming storm.  
Here it came.

He was a freak. He was a monster. What was he doing, trying to help people? What was he doing, trying to be strong? He was only making things worse. How many people were dead because of him? How many people were hurt?

He tried to stop the thoughts but they were off the rails now. He held his head.

He was worthless, he was a piece of shit. He only made things worse and he was weak. Very weak. He needed to comb through his thoughts every night. He couldn't just be strong like Dean, sure like Dean. He was an abomination. He fell off the rocker countless times and Dean always had to pull him back up. He was a burden. Dad would be ashamed to call him his son. 

He froze. Was that it? Were they over?

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, listening intently to the silence, anticipating the next wave of self-deprecating thoughts. There was something there at the back of his mind that caught him, holding the balance and keeping the waterfall of thoughts from spilling over again. 

'I'll catch you if you fall'. 

It was dumb, it was silly. 

Was it? 

Sam felt safe. He felt still. He let go of what Dean would think and concentrated on holding on to that thought of Balthazar, of hope. He fell asleep.

~~~~

He woke up with some dreams leaving his head. He hesitated, trying to catch them. Balthazar had been in them, just laying next to him. He thought long and hard. The last time he'd dreamed of someone in his bed it was quite different.

He was afraid of this dream because he didn't know what it meant. Nothing happened. It wasn't a sex dream. They had just been laying next to each other, warm and safe. 

He rolled over. Did he-

No. It was ridiculous. 

He got up and in the shower before Dean woke up. 

Did he...like Balthazar?

No, that would be ridiculous.

But why?

Sam had liked guys before. But Balthazar...he wasn't just a guy. Balthazar was...different. No. He couldn't. Balthazar was his Guardian Angel. There was no chance in hell. Also, Balthazar was cool. Sam was a looser.

He sighed and tried to shake that thought out of his head, recognizing it as just more of his anxiety. 

It wasn't that he was a looser, it was just that Balthazar already had everything he needed. What could Sam possibly give him? Besides, Balthazar was so...beautiful. Everything about him- his voice, the way he moved, his laugh, his casual disregard that somehow coincided with the most blatantly honest concern Sam had ever seen. He was out of his league.

Sam tried to stop thinking about him, knowing that dwelling on it would only make it worse. 

He got out of the shower and woke up Dean.

"Mmmm....no....do I have to?"

"Yes, Dean. Come on. We've got work."

"Do we really?" he asked disinterestedly.

"I'm sure there's something. Besides, we've got big stuff to keep an eye on, even if there's no jobs." he said.

Dean groaned. Sam knew he had a hangover.

"Okay. I'm gonna pick up some breakfast." Said Sam, leaving Dean to struggle against the sunlight coming in through the window. 

It was a beautiful morning, brisk and clear. Sam walked across the street down to a restaurant. He admired the trees in the morning sunlight, and had the sudden urge to show Balthazar. 

He shook his head. This had to stop. There was no way in hell it could be reciprocated. But his mind went back to all of the things Balthazar had said and done. All of the endearments, the shadow that crossed his face when Sam told him about Gemma, the way he seemed so calm on the outside and chaotic on the inside.  
He thought of how he'd healed all those Vamps. How he'd gone with him in the first place. He didn't have to do that. Sam's heart brimmed with joy thinking about it. But had Balthazar done it...for him?

No, that was ridiculous. These were people. Balthazar had saved people. It wasn't about Sam, and he wouldn't degrade the situation by inserting himself into it. He ordered a bagel for himself and something greasy for Dean, a pair of tall coffees.

Balthazar had called him beautiful, though.  
And all of those endearments-

No, Sam couldn't take those. Balthazar used them on everyone. It wasn't proof of anything. The kid called his number and he picked up the food. 

Back at the motel, Dean was in the shower. Sam ate and tried to research. There was nothing around. In fact, it seemed oddly quiet lately. 

At around noon something turned up. A guy attacked someone and then ran. The report said he'd bit the man on the neck and had large teeth. Dean rolled his eyes.

"It could be something. Looks like a Vamp." said Sam, eager for anything that might get his mind off Balthazar. 

"Yeah. Let's go." he said grumpily, rubbing his face.

"When did you get in last night?" Sam asked. Dean just laughed.

They found the guy who got bit. He was shook up, but checked out. Fine and no trace of Vampism. 

"Do you know who did this to you?" Sam asked as Dean looked around.

"Yeah, it was Joe." said the man.

"Joe?" asked Dean, surprised.

"Yeah he lives up the block. Nice guy. Well- was a nice guy. Guess he was hiding something. Maybe just cracked."

"Do you know where we might find him?" Sam asked. the man hesitated.

"Isn't this case a little small-fry for the FBI?"

"Exactly what I said," said Dean. "But I'm not the one who calls the shots, apparently." he said, throwing a disgruntled glance at Sam.

"Well like I said, he lives up the block. But he's probably still down at the station. They took him in for questioning and stuff. He seemed fine though. Weird."

"Thank you for your time sir," said Sam, running off. Dean shrugged and followed.

It was oddly calm at the station. They had him in a holding cell in-between questionings. He looked a little beat, but he didn't look like a Vampire who wanted to feed. 

"Show me your teeth sick fucker," said Dean, grinning.

"Dean-" 

"Do it!" he said. The man did, pulling up his lip to reveal a set of normal Human teeth.

"I told everyone, they're gone."

"Gone?" asked Dean angrily. "How could they just be gone?"

"Mr. Wiener, why don't you let me take care of this." said Sam calmly to Dean.

Dean obliged grumpily, going out to wait by the car.

"Sorry, he's-"

"Hungover?"

Sam looked up.

"Yeah. Actually. Yeah." he said. Joe laughed. 

"So what happened." said Sam, sitting down.

"Well- it's weird." 

Sam smiled. "Weird is my job, sir. I'll believe you."

He hesitated.  
"Well I was out drinking. Pretty well buzzed. Some skeevy looking guy came around and started talking. He left and I finished my drink- but there was something in it...I..."

"What was in it?" Sam asked. The man looked upset. "I'll believe-" 

"It was blood." said Joe. "I'm sure of it. I tasted it. Then shit got weird. Like I was tripping or something- I swear, it wasn't me...I didn't mean-"

"I know."

"...well I ran into Frank and I bit him. But someone grabbed me before I could..." he hesitated, looking distressed.

"I know," said Sam, "you wanted to drink his blood. It's okay. It wasn't you, it was this drug." said Sam.  
The man's face perked up.

"But please," said Sam, "who grabbed you?"

"I don't know- I didn't get to see well...uh, he was wearing a blazer? Said something- and then everything went white and it hurt...and the cops were there and he was gone."

"Gone?"

"Like...vanished. Right in front of me. But I was tripping pretty hard, I don't know-"

"Did this guy have an accent?"

"Uh, yeah, kinda British." 

Sam nodded.

"Thanks. I'll run the paperwork, tell them it was just the drug. We've dealt with this before. You should be out of here by nightfall." 

The man smiled. "Thank you sir," he said.

Sam smiled. Dean didn't like working this end of stuff, but when they could clear a good person Sam jumped on it. He talked to the cops and pushed him through. He made sure no charges would be held against him, that they understood it was a drugging. 

He met up with Dean outside the station.

"Jesus, what, d'you two get married or something?" he asked. 

"What?"

"You only took like seven years in there." he said, getting in the car.

They stopped for dinner. Dean was eating but Sam was distracted.

"I'll be right back." he said. Dean nodded, but watched him go out the door, surprised. 

Sam walked across the parking lot to where Dean wouldn't be able to see. He stood near a park bench, fidgeting in his suit. 

"Hey, Balthazar," he prayed, "if you got a minute-"

"Yes?" he said, appearing suddenly.

"Uh- hi." 

Balthazar grinned, keeping his eyes fixed on Sam's face as if he had to concentrate on keeping his eyes from going elsewhere.

"Did you heal that Vamp?" Sam asked.

"Yes, yes I did." Balthazar said. "Also took care of his blood daddy from the bar."

"But...why?" Sam asked. An Angel-gone-hunter was new.

Balthazar shrugged, looking out over the darkening town. 

"I do what I want." he said finally, simply. His hands were in his pockets and he was looking off into the distance. Sam nodded.

"Well you made our job here easy." He said, smiling. Balthazar flashed his teeth. 

"Suppose I did!" he said.

They stood in an awkward silence for a few minutes.

"You know I really appreciate your um, guardian-ing." Sam said.

"Any time darling." Balthazar replied quickly. The awkward silence fell over them again, and they both stood there looking out over the town. Sam felt nervous in a way he hadn't in a very long time. But he also felt very calm.  
He was surprised that the Angel was still here. Usually he flew off before it got silent. He was the epitome of suave. Nothing was awkward with Balthazar unless he made you feel that way, but now it seemed to weigh on the Angel like a storm.

"Well, darling, it's been fun-" 

"Wait-" said Sam, grabbing his arm.  
Balthazar looked surprised. Sam himself felt surprised. He didn't know what to say.

"I...never mind. I'm sorry." he said quickly, letting go of Balthazar's arm and putting his hands back in his pockets. 

"Thanks for stopping by." he said. Balthazar cocked his head. He reached out and touched Sam's elbow, very gently. Sam looked up and saw Balthazar smile very softly before Dean called and he disappeared. 

"Sam? What are you doing out here? You're really starting to freak me out, you know. I got a pie and you left before it even came. Had to eat the whole thing myself."

Sam laughed. "You could have gotten a box-"

"Just not the same, Sammy." Dean said.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It actually happens!

Balthazar slumped in a chair, thinking about the way Sam had spoken, how he'd grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving, the look of hope on his face when he'd touched his elbow. And how damn glorious that man looked in a suit!  
Balthazar was never sure why he wore anything else. Suits had been designed specifically for Sam, he was sure.

He wanted to stop. He felt like he should. It was inappropriate, wasn't it?  
But he'd seen Sam's face and that was more than hope needed to spring back up.  
But hadn't he spent so long ignoring it, trying to kill it, to push it down far enough that it would die?  
He'd invested a lot of time and energy into not loving Sam Winchester, and yet all it took was an awkward silence and a grab of his arm to make all that work go away.  
He shouldn't have left when Dean called. He should have held on to Sam. No, he should have pulled him closer. He should have held him, wrapping his arms around him and telling him-

He sighed and resisted the temptation to check the talisman.  
He'd shelved it for exactly three days, and then grabbed it again, terrified Sam would end up needing him when he was unable to call, and then he wouldn't ever know he needed help. Balthazar was glad he did, because otherwise Sam would be in the hospital with that fire iron.

He caved.  
The talisman showed Sam and Dean, safely at the hotel. It was late and they would probably be sleeping. But Sam wasn't in the hotel, Balthazar realized, looking closer. He was out leaning up against the car.  
He didn't know why -it would just be more awkward silence- but he did it anyway. With a flutter of wings he was standing across the parking lot. He walked across instead of teleporting, not wanting to startle the majestic moose in the dark. 

"Hey," he said softly, approaching Sam.  
Sam looked a little confused, turning to see him in the dark, but smiled. 

"Hey." Sam replied, moving over so Balthazar could lean next to him. Balthazar didn't though. The streetlight reflected in Sam's bright eyes, and Balthazar could see hope in them. Oh, that was a lovely vision in Sam's eyes- Sam's eyes that too often held defeat and uncertainty. Balthazar reached out and touched his arm. Sam stiffened and stood up. Balthazar quickly pulled back his hand, reading his movements.  
But suddenly, Sam was standing very close to him, holding his arms now, ever ever ever so gently. 

"Balthazar...there's been something..." he hesitated, unsure of how to say it. His thumb rubbed Balthazar's elbow very gently. 

"Likewise, darling," Balthazar said, and they both leaned in at exactly the same time.  
They kissed long and hard and rough, finally releasing all of the tension that had been building and building between them. Sam's arms wrapped around Balthazar and Balthazar's arms fell easily around Sam's waist. 

Kissing was a strange Human thing. Balthazar didn't understand it when he'd first come in contact with it, but he fell in love with it very quickly. It was bizarre, putting your mouths together like that, but it was amazingly honest. As if the other person was never close enough. As if you needed them closer than your bodies could allow, as if you needed to fill all of your sensations with them, taste included. It was a very primal thing. As a wounded creature would lick it's wounds you so lend the healing properties of your mouth to the other person, as if through this you could heal them of the ache in their bodies for you, and they you for them. Raw and bizarre and intimate and beautiful and pure. Yes, kissing was very likely Balthazar's favorite Human pleasure. 

Sam was an excellent kisser. The combination of shyness and passion was new to Balthazar. He wrapped an arm around Sam's shoulder, melting into the Human's embrace.  
Finally, Sam pulled away slightly and smiled, his breath on Balthazar's face.

"Damn," he said softly. Balthazar laughed. Sam's soul was shining brightly from his eyes and his mouth and his chest. And he was so near! Maybe he was just like any other person. Maybe Balthazar could make him happy. To be the cause of that light behind his eyes? 

Sam put a hand on Balthazar's chest and the Angel suddenly felt self-conscious. He hadn't felt self-conscious in over a thousand years.  
He had no soul. He had nothing to give Sam.  
But he pushed those thoughts down- because here they were! Sam was here, holding him.  
He rested his forehead on Sam's, smiling.

"Has this been a long time coming?" Sam asked, laughing. 

"You have no idea darling," he replied, laughing himself. "But I never would have moved if you didn't show any interest," he added quickly.

"I know." said Sam with affection. He reached up and touched Balthazar's cheek.

"I really like you." he said with a nervous laugh. "You're like no one else. You...you're beautiful in every way." he said.  
Sam was honest and beautiful, taking his time, showing Balthazar every raw feeling that bubbled up.  
Balthazar laughed kindly.  
"Have you seen yourself lately darling?" he asked, running his hand slowly up Sam's chest. 

They kissed again, this time calmer, slower, more curiously, exploring each other and what they each meant in this new context.  
Balthazar was smiling hugely, and he felt Sam smiling as well. By the time they pulled apart the sky was growing paler. 

"I should go," said Sam, nestling his head on Balthazar's shoulder, kissing his neck a little. Balthazar kissed his hair.

"Must you?" he asked playfully. 

"Yes," Sam laughed.

"Promise you'll call," Balthazar said with a cocky smile.

"Of course," Sam whispered. His voice was beautiful.

"I'll be listening," said Balthazar. He leaned in and kissed Sam's cheek, and was gone. 

~~~~

He only teleported to the edge of town. He knew that over there, on the other side of this bit of land, Sam was going to sleep. He wondered what Sam was thinking about.  
Now that he knew how Sam felt, he was determined to show him how much he cared about him, how much he liked him.

He sat on a swing in a park and watched the sun rise, smiling like a fool. This was refreshing, to like someone this powerfully. More so to have that person like you in return. Balthazar always liked this, but his lifestyle often landed him with more 'passionate hookups' than actual long-term lovers. But his mind was more on Sam than the silly logistics of his dating repertoire. He watched until the sun was up. He imagined Sam sleeping with the sun on his face and smiled.

He left the swing and went home, but he didn't know what to do. He was distracted. He was like a child in love. All he could think about was Sam and when he would get to see him again. He poured a drink and left it on the desk, going out to the balcony to look over the edge. He laid in bed and pretended to sleep.

He didn't need it, of course- the only time Angels really needed it was if they were healing from something- but he liked the idea of relinquishing all control. It was another Human pleasure. But it wasn't one he could indulge in now even as he tried. Every time he closed his eyes he felt his stomach fill with butterflies and remembered the taste of Sam's soul shining through his kisses.

~~~~

Sam felt Balthazar's kiss and saw him disappear as the sun began to rise- almost as if he had been just a dream, a trick of the light, and had been washed away by the flood of rays the sun set forth to light the day. 

The early morning air was cold but he felt warm all over. His stomach was full of butterflies for the first time in what felt like forever.  
Balthazar liked him. Balthazar had kissed him. Balthazar, the beautiful cool amazing compassionate Balthazar.

Sam ran back up into the room, opening the door as quietly as possible so as not to wake Dean. The room was stuffy compared to the morning air that filled his lungs and made his heart beat wildly. He pulled off his shoes and laid in bed. He'd only get an hour or two- not that he wanted it.  
He wanted to pray to Balthazar, to talk to him, to kiss him...but he knew he had to get some sleep. He closed his eyes and fell asleep smiling.

The sun was on his face and Dean was shaking his shoulder.

"Sammyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wake up." 

"...dean?" Sam asked, groggily. 

"Come on, usually you're the first one- you slept in your clothes?"

"Dean, leave me alone." Sam said, rolling over and pulling the sheet over his shoulder. Suddenly he sat up.

"It's morning," he said, wide-eyed. 

"Uh...you okay Sammy?"

"Yeah, I'm great!" he said, flinging off the sheets. 

They went out to get breakfast. Sam felt like he was bouncing off the walls. He was tired since he hadn't gotten much sleep, but the butterflies in his stomach kept him awake. He wanted to pray, to call Balthazar, but he knew he shouldn't while Dean was around.  
So he tried to concentrate on the day. He was an adult goddamnit, and he could control himself. Mostly. 

There wasn't a case, but Dean was bent on working on the big stuff, so they spent most of the day researching. It took all Sam had to concentrate, and often he would find himself staring off into the distance thinking about Balthazar, his knee bouncing nervously. 

"Sam what's wrong with you, you're acting like a poodle."

"What?"

Dean shook his head.

"Why don't you take some of that explosive energy and go pick up the pizza I called in."

"Okay!" said Sam, seizing the opportunity. Dean shook his head as Sam ran out the door.

"Cass!"

~~~~

Sam rushed to the pizza place on the corner, and stood outside it. But he didn't want to talk to Balthazar here. It wasn't good enough. It wasn't romantic enough. But he wasn't sure he'd get another chance until Dean was asleep. He rubbed his face, still tired from last night.

"Balthazar, I'm...it's not the greatest but I'd-"

"Yes?" said the Angel, looking as if he was trying to appear as if he wasn't hugely excited to be near Sam again. Sam pulled him in for a hug and Balthazar kissed him.  
They stood there for a while, just hugging and holding each other, feeling the comfort of their nearness. 

"I have to go," said Sam, "but do you wanna get together tonight or something?" he asked.

"I'd love to," said Balthazar, brushing back a bit of Sam's hair. They smiled and kissed again, and then Sam sadly went to get the pizza to bring back to Dean. He opened the door to the room and saw Dean rush out of the bathroom. 

"Hey, everything okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, why?" asked Dean, his eyes wide.

"Nothing, you just look..."

Dean squinted.

"Nothing," said Sam. They ate the pizza and researched for hours. It was completely unfruitful. They'd gone through three pots of coffee by ten-thirty at night and Sam felt like he was about to pass out.

"Alright man I don't know about you but I'm done." said Dean finally, closing his book with a heavy thud.  
Sam perked up.

"I'm gonna go out and get a drink or something, wanna come?"

"Uh, no thanks, I think I'll just go to bed." said Sam.

"You do look like shit, man." said Dean, "Get some sleep," he suggested, patting him on the back and leaving. 

"Finally!" Sam said softly to himself, rubbing his face. He heard a knock on the door. Confused, he opened it cautiously.  
Of course, it was none other than the Angel Balthazar, holding a bottle of wine and a pair of glasses.

"Hello darling," he said. Sam grinned and let him in.  
He put the bottle and glasses down and pulled out a chair for Sam before he could say anything.

"Oh-thank you," said Sam, sitting.

"I didn't know if you'd want to go out or not," said Balthazar.

"I don't care, I just wanna be with you," Sam said. Balthazar smiled.

"So darling, how's everything going?" he asked conversationally. Sam laughed and tried to concentrate on talking and not staring at the beautiful Angel. 

"Pretty good, how's everything with you?"

"Excellent," he said, flashing a smile while he poured the wine. They drank and started talking. It was wonderful just to talk, and Balthazar and Sam were of the same mind. They laughed and vented and grew closer and closer. But every time they paused they got distracted by each others eyes. 

~~~~

Damn it! Sam's eyes were amazing. Balthazar could stare into them all night. They were bright and danced with the fire of his sunshine-soul. And to see him opening up and talking, to see him safe and happy, to see his soul shining so brightly and confidently...  
All Balthazar wanted was that. And to kiss him, of course. The feeling seemed to be mutual, though.

"Is there a radio in this place?" Balthazar asked, standing up. 

"Um, no, I-" 

Balthazar stepped back from one and turned it on. He put down his glass and took Sam's hand.

"Dance with me?" he asked, placing it over his heart and swaying a little to the music. Sam blushed and stood. 

"I'd love to," he replied, grinning. They waltzed around the room laughing until a slower song came on and they both put on mock-serious faces until those broke into laughter as well. But they were quickly distracted by each other, dancing like that, close and slow and ridiculous. They were both smiling, and Sam rested his head on Balthazar's shoulder. How was Sam so sweet? His smile was content and happy, like a puppy, and he was somehow very serious and sexy at the same time. He was honest. He was pure. It was mesmerizing. 

~~~~

Sam rested his head on Balthazar's shoulder as they danced slowly together. His skin smelled warm and Sam couldn't help but to close his eyes and smile. Balthazar was like an island of safety and acceptance. And he didn't treat Sam like a child, either.  
Sam was tired but he never wanted this night to end.  
Balthazar moved his hand up to Sam's face. Sam looked up and Balthazar guided him in gently for a kiss. Sam felt his thumb rub his neck ever so softly, and he responded by putting his hand behind the Angel's head, pulling him closer. He slid his other hand underneath Balthazar's jacket, wanting very badly to take it off. Sam was so tired, but all he wanted was Balthazar. He'd had a little too much wine and he felt a little dizzy. 

He wanted to feel Balthazar more, he wanted to have him closer even though they were already holding each other. Suddenly he was kissing the Angel very hungrily, trying so hard to keep these feelings inside.

"Darling," Balthazar said, recognizing Sam's state, "Shh...it's okay." he said.

"No, you always leave." said Sam, holding on to the Angel. 

"I want you to stay- please stay, Balthazar. Please." he begged, letting his nose brush against Balthazar's gently before kissing him again.

~~~~

Balthazar pulled slightly away, but still held Sam.

"I won't leave, I promise. But love, you need to calm down. I'm afraid you'll do something you'll regret. We have all the time in the world, darling." he said.  
It was hard, though. All he wanted was Sam, and here was Sam trying to have him. But Balthazar knew it wasn't right yet. Sam was extremely tired and a little drunk, and Balthazar wasn't about to take advantage of the situation. He would never hurt Sam. Never.

"Come here, love." he said, leading Sam to the bed. They sat on the edge and kissed a little. Sam looked like he was about to cry. 

"Sam, are you alright?" Balthazar asked, gently stroking his hair.

~~~~

Sam Winchester cries his way through sex.

Sam pushed his anxiety down. He was a little drunk, that was all. And he felt like finally- finally he could be understood by someone. Finally there was someone who wouldn't be hurt by him. What could hurt the Angel Balthazar? He'd held all this down for years, and now it was bubbling to the surface.

Of course, it decided to bubble up when he was on a date with an extremely hot literal Angel in his bed.  
But Balthazar was kind and calm. Sam had expected him to be more hungry. It was true that Balthazar wanted him, Sam could see that even through his anxiety. But Balthazar didn't seem to expect anything. Everything was calm and beautiful with Balthazar. Everything was kind and everything was gentle. 

"I'm sorry-" said Sam, taking a deep breath. 

"No need to be sorry, love." said Balthazar, immediately adjusting every molecule of his being to Sam. He kissed Sam's cheek and laid down, pulling Sam down next to him. He pulled the blankets over their shoulders and held Sam tightly.

He felt weak and stupid, but here was Balthazar, holding him, making it right. If Balthazar had been anyone else he would have felt obliged to give himself to them even though he was falling apart. But something about Balthazar's demeanor told him that that was completely and definitively off the table. They were here together. And they had all the time in the world. 

And for the first time, Sam's happy thought was right there next to him, holding him, real as the day. He felt himself calming down slowly, falling deeper into the Angel's embrace. 

~~~~

Sam was calming down. Balthazar had been worried about him. He was good at reading people. He knew that Sam was nearing an explosion the moment he'd knocked on the door. Humans were subject to problems like this, not being able to heal quickly. The anxiety that built up in them was far more likely to wear their brains down to the point of exploding like this. Balthazar's species healed quicker. It took thousands of years worth of anxiety to break an Angel.  
But then the relative lifespan made up for that, he supposed.  
No, he wouldn't think about lifespans now. He just wanted to enjoy this time with Sam while they were both still here.

"Shh..." he comforted him, rubbing his thumb gently on Sam's cheek.  
Sam moved closer and held him tight.

"Don't leave, please," he asked again, this time more out of contentment than desperation. 

"Not even if Dean comes back?" Balthazar asked with a laugh, although it was well past closing for the bars, so it was likely Dean was already in bed somewhere, in one way or another. 

"Stay," he murmured, burying his face in the Angel's shoulder.

"I shall, darling." Balthazar replied, closing his eyes.  
Balthazar enjoyed a lot of things. He had a reputation for being very sexual, and that reputation was not inaccurate. However that wasn't the only true thing about him.  
For example, it was true that he could feel the warm light of Sam's beautiful soul, seeking shelter in the storm. It was true that he wanted to do anything for Sam. It was true that right now all he wanted to do was hold him.

They talked softly in the dark, drunk on each others voices, and Sam soon fell asleep. Balthazar closed his eyes and listened to Sam's breath. 

What was it about Humans that was so sublimely beautiful? He almost wished-  
No, that was ridiculous. He wouldn't wish that. Besides, he had a job, he had a life, and he needed his Grace to do them. Besides, what good would he be to Sam without his powers?

His breathing was very slow now, inhaling and exhaling at the same speed as his sleeping companion.  
He wanted to take Sam away. Just for a little while. He wanted to show him a place where he didn't have to worry about anything. Didn't have to be strong because there wasn't anything to fear. Where he could just be happy.

No, he realized, Sam Winchester would never be happy. Sam was a hero, and heroes don't stop. There would always be another case, there would always be another person to save, and damn it if Sam Winchester wouldn't be there fighting tooth and nail. He knew that the way they had to fight was the only thing that made Sam regret his lifestyle, but Balthazar knew that with his help, Sam could fight differently. In the way he wanted to, the way he was good at, with compassion, listening to the gray area. 

Humans truly were beautiful, and Balthazar was convinced that he'd just found the most beautiful of the lot. 

The Angel surrendered his consciousness, falling asleep under Sam.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get complicated.

The sun was rising now, extending her fingers to touch their faces through the blinds. Balthazar woke.  
It took a lot of concentration for Angels to sleep when they weren't hurt and healing, but he'd done it. He glanced down to the man sleeping on his chest.

Yes, fuck yes, Sam Winchester was beautiful with the sun on his face. He stirred but slept happily for a few more minutes. When he did wake, he smiled. 

"Balthazar," he said, happy to see him. 

"Morning love," said Balthazar. Sam pushed himself up to meet Balthazar's lips in a kiss. He sat up beside Balthazar and pushed him gently back against the headboard, kissing him harder. Balthazar pulled Sam in closer.   
It was lovely, but Balthazar spotted Dean through the window coming up to the room.

"Sorry darling," he said, and vanished just as Dean stepped through the door. Sam fell forward and hit his head on the headboard.

"Sammy?" Dean asked, highly confused. 

"Sammy what are you doing," He asked as Sam rubbed his head.

"Uh...I was just...I fell." 

Dean squinted.

"How was uh," Sam said, and trailed off, knowing that Dean had probably hooked up last night.

"Oh it was awesome." said Dean with a mischievous grin. "These two-"

"Dean! I don't actually wanna know."

"Suit yourself," Dean said, shrugging.   
Sam rubbed his face, still thinking of the feeling of Balthazar's kiss and missing his warm body next to his own. 

"Oh by the way," said Dean, flashing a newspaper, "we got a case."  
Sam groaned.

"What's wrong? Sammy have you been alright? You look like hell. Trust me I -"

"I know, Dean, I know. It's just...I dunno burnout or something. I'm fine." he said, hopping out of bed and into the shower before Dean could get in. 

~~~~

Balthazar sauntered up the steps of the palace. It was nice, but not really his style. He tried to focus on that rather than the fact that he'd just run out on the most beautiful person in history. He wished he didn't have to, but he knew that Sam didn't want Dean to know about them. 

"Balthazar," said Gabriel, greeting him with a hug.

"Hello brother," said Balthazar, smiling. Gabriel pulled a lollipop out of his mouth to better speak. 

"Something's wrong. Shit's gone crazy up here." he said, gesturing with the candy. 

"What is it?" asked Balthazar. Gabriel sighed.

"Politics as usual. But it's getting worse. There've been rumors. The war is getting bad." He said, sucking on his candy again. Balthazar frowned.

Him and Gabriel usually stayed out of the family politics as best they could. But it was getting harder and harder by the day to stay uninvolved, and they were increasingly aware that a neutral political position was still a political position.   
They talked for hours. Ultimately both decided that the Winchesters must be protected. If Heaven fell apart, things below the Earth would rise, and there would be nothing to stop them but for those two.  
Balthazar grinned.

"What's gotten into you? Are you...in love?" Gabriel asked, recognizing the pull of his brother's smile. 

"None of your business, Gabriel." He said, still smiling, pouring himself a whiskey and his brother a brandy. 

"Fine then." Said Gabriel. "But if you need any help setting up a hot date-"  
Balthazar laughed. 

"You shall be the first one I call, dear brother." he said with a fond smile.

"Good! Now there's one other thing," 

"Yes?"   
Gabriel looked around. 

"Castiel." he said in a quick whisper. Balthazar snorted.

"Please, of all of our siblings to worry about, you worry about sweet little Cass?" Balthazar asked. He had a gruff sort of fondness for Cass. Everyone loved Cass, and even though Balthazar was the polar opposite of the soldier-bot, he had always had a soft spot for him. He was so innocent.

"It's not that he's done anything. It's just that if you pull your head out of your ass and look around it's gettin' tense up here and Cass is right smack in the middle of it." said Gabriel.

"What are you saying?" asked Balthazar.

"That your head is up your-"

"No, about Cass."

"Oh. Well, bro, I'm not saying he's gonna be the next Lucy, but I do think that things could go South real fast. And I don't mean that in the-"

"Yes." said Balthazar, waving his hand and thinking hard. Could Cass fall that far? The innocent, sweet little soldier, Heaven's favorite?  
He often worried that Castiel was too preoccupied with following orders. Too unquestioning, too happy to serve, to obey any command Heaven sent him. That was probably why Heaven loved him so well, but Balthazar had always wondered if his little brother's overly obedient disposition would turn on him if ever he became disenchanted with his leader. And that process had already started- Heaven was in a shambles and Cass was down on Earth now preaching free will with the blood of his brothers on his hands. But would this go farther?  
Balthazar shook his head.

"I don't know." he said, carefully and calculatedly. "We'll just have to see." He said shooting his brother a hopeful grin. Gabriel saw right through it of course, but raised his brandy to Balthazar's whiskey before they downed their drinks.

"So you're not gonna tell me who it is?" he asked, mischievously.

"No." said Balthazar, grinning, knowing quite well that Gabriel could find out on his own. 

"Fine, push me out of all the fun." he said, scowling through his lollipop.

"Thanks for the news, brother." Balthazar said, patting him on the shoulder. 

"Sure thing bro." replied the trickster with a grin. Balthazar vanished.

So the war they were fighting truly was the one they'd been expecting.   
Deep down they all knew it. Ever since the fall of their brother Lucifer, the tensions had been building. That night after Lucifer had been vanquished the unuttered question had hung in the air of Heaven's palaces like a thick, silent fog. Everyone had just played it off and pretended it was fine for the next few thousand years. But deep down they all knew that this would happen one day. And ever since Dad had left...well, it was something like a perfect storm. 

But Cass? Balthazar's heart was heavy. Castiel and Gabriel were two of his most favorite brothers. He was realistic, of course. He'd known his brothers for thousands of years, and he wasn't unaware of their faults- nor did he pretend not to see them. But the gravity of the things whispered in the shadows was more than he ever thought Castiel was capable of.  
But then none of them had really been ready for the war when it came, so used to the idea of its inevitability had they grown.  
Was the fact that Castiel would fall this far, would do the unthinkable, already there and accepted in the back of all their minds?  
Balthazar felt sick. He hated these politics. He'd spent most of his life avoiding them. That's how he became so fond of Human things, after all- he was just avoiding the petty slap-battles his brothers and sisters engaged in day in and day out, the annoying grind of political tensions, the stupid fights and hurtful jabs. But now things were serious again. 

He sighed. He was getting bored of his family's tireless bickering, and he was getting angry that it often resulted in so much death.  
Perhaps though, he was just getting soft. Too much time with Humans, whose short lifespans and limited views forced them to be gentler with each other.

He stood on the balcony, looking over Paris, and wondered fleetingly if he would die in this war.   
How many family feuds had he survived?   
No, Balthazar wouldn't die. Him and Gabe would find a bit of shadow to hide in until it blew over, and then they would resume their frolicking on this lesser planet, peaceful and undisturbed, like they did every other war his family had fought.   
He laughed sadly to himself. This time was different, though. This time Balthazar had his heartstrings pulled out, stretched right over the battlefield.   
Fuck.  
But he wouldn't think about that now. He was in Paris in the spring, and he was in love. A bit of war wouldn't dampen Balthazar's spirits. 

He reached into his pocket and drew out the talisman. Sam and Dean were fighting something. Balthazar resisted the urge to burst in and take care of it for them, and instead just kept an eye on the fight, wings poised in case his lover needed him.  
But they were fine, of course. The Winchesters were two of the most capable Humans any of the Angels had encountered. That being said, Balthazar was glad that they would have two angels looking out for them when Heaven fell.   
When Heaven fell.

Balthazar never thought much of his transient, nonchalant life, but now that it was all changing he was struck with a bit of sentiment. There had been other wars, for sure, too many to count and too terrible to dwell on, but this one- this one was different. 

The Winchesters were back safe from the fight now, and Balthazar pocketed the bit of magical jewelry, sighing. 

"Castiel, brother, care for a drink and a chat?" he prayed. To his surprise, Cass showed.

"Hello Balthazar," he said without inflection, looking scruffier than usual.

"Cassie," said Balthazar fondly. He snapped his fingers, producing a bottle of red wine. 

"Here," he said, passing him a glass. "Sit and talk with me brother," he requested, pulling up a chair for him.  
Castiel sat, taking the glass obligatorily, his trench-coat hanging tiredly from his slumped shoulders. 

"How is everything going?" 

"If you intend to interrogate me as to my strategies-"

"Jesus, Cass, can't we just talk as brothers?" Balthazar laughed easily.   
Castiel frowned. Balthazar regarded him. He had changed. There was a hardness beneath his demeanor that was angry and cold, and, more frighteningly, desperate. 

"If you are worried that I will do anything rash, Balthazar, I assure you-"

"I'm not worried about you, dear brother." He said, still smiling. "But please know that if you need any help-"

"I am neither incapable nor incompetent," said Castiel coldly.

"I meant nothing, Cass. Who shoved that stick further up your ass than usual?" He asked, laughing a little, trying to lighten the situation. Deep down though, Balthazar was very afraid, convinced now that Castiel's pride had gone farther than it ever should have. He worried, though, that Castiel was just afraid, lashing out like a hurt animal. Cass remained emotionless. 

"I'm very fond of you, Castiel. This isn't some ploy to control you. You know I of all people withhold judgement. I just want you to know that if there is anything I can do for you, you know where to find me." He said earnestly, though now his own words made him nervous. Cass' glare was intimidating him more than he felt it should have, and in all honesty he was afraid to not pledge his allegiance.  
But Cass looked pleased to see Balthazar under his foot.

"You usually withhold political affiliations," he remarked, his face changing form pleasure to distrust in a matter of seconds. Balthazar's heart was breaking a little. He could be a stone cold killer if he wanted, but he never wanted to. He liked caring for his brothers. In fact, it was because he cared too much that he often hid in the world of Humans. He would rather be distant than see them tear each other apart. But sweet little Castiel had always been different, with his happy demeanor and endearing blatancy. To see the pride and distrust growing in his eyes like a cold fire was harder than seeing the life leave the eyes of his late brothers, because he knew the hurt Castiel could do to them all with that fire. He didn't want to believe it.

"Like I said," Balthazar replied, making sure not a hint of his fear escaped his hard shell, "I'm too fond of you darling." he said with a grin. Cass would take that. He almost seemed disgusted with him, even.

"Your fondness will make you weak. Some of our brothers and sisters are...undeserving." he said carefully. Balthazar laughed.

"Always the charmer, Cassie. But if you'll pardon me, I've got a date."   
Cass nodded and was gone, his wine untouched. Balthazar finished his own, thinking hard, pushing his fear even farther down. Perhaps his affection had made him weak. After all, had he not decided to investigate against his feelings, he would have probably disregarded Gabriel's gossip as just that. But it was clear to him now that Cass was...dangerous.

Damn it! How many hundreds of years had he spent with Cass? As the leader of the Garrison set to watch Earth, Castiel had spent a lot of time with Balthazar. They had been close as children. And now...Balthazar shook his head.  
His family was cursed. Cursed with pride and this concept of strength and force, of absolute obedience that was bound to get messy. Balthazar had seen it played out in Human history countless times, but that same pride he liked to think didn't flow as hard in his veins prevented him from seeing it happening in his own family. 

He left his mansion and slipped invisibly into a shoddy studio where a particularly tacky bit of erotic film was being produced. What used to be a fun way of communicating with his brother in times of peace was now a wartime necessity. Gabriel would know where to look, and Balthazar knew where to hide the message. He wasn't about to broadcast confirmation of Gabriel's rumors on a public frequency by praying, and he wasn't even going to utter it through the mouth of his vessel. Hell, he was afraid to think it too loudly. Here he knew that his message would only reach Gabriel and the eyes of countless wanking Humans, and of the two only the Angel knew how to translate it.   
He left the place, the note planted, and tried to distract himself from the depressing new developments in his life.

Now more than ever did he want to hold Sam, to bask in the light of his beautiful soul. He ran through the back of his brain, checking quickly if Sam had called while he was busy. To his dismay, he had.   
Balthazar checked his talisman. Sam was in a restaurant, alone. Terrified that he was in danger, Balthazar rushed to him. Masking his concern as best he could, he appeared before the Human.

~~~~

Sam sat in the restaurant nervously. Balthazar had never not heard or answered his prayers. He tried not to worry- Balthazar wasn't his to beck every call.   
But he couldn't help but worry. What if Balthazar was in danger? He knew the war was waging hard in Heaven. If Cass' different, paranoid, cold behavior was an example, things were really falling apart. One could forget with Balthazar, though, his easy demeanor washing away all worries of war or strife. 

"Sam," he said, appearing. Sam leaped up and rushed to him. He looked cool and composed as usual, but Sam could see something underneath it. Something was troubling him, though he was very good at hiding it. But the Angel scanned the room and relaxed a little. He held Sam's elbow gently, with a warm smile. 

"I'm sorry I didn't hear your prayer right away. I'm- I'm glad you're alright, I shan't ever-"

"It's okay, Balth, I just wanted to spend some time with you. If you have time. I'm fine." he said, kissing the Angel on the cheek. 

"Are you alright?" he asked, pulling away to look him in the face, still holding his arm. Balthazar smiled easily.

"Yes love, thank you." he said. He looked around. "This place is beautiful," he said, admiring the restaurant. Sam smiled excitedly.

"Do you like it?" he asked. He'd spent every extra minute he could researching the nicest places they could go within a reasonable distance.

"I love it!" said Balthazar, leaning in for a kiss.

The food was splendid. Sam didn't mean to come off weird, but watching Balthazar eat was mesmerizing. Since he had no need to eat, his consumption was sheerly for the joy of it. It was like watching someone dance, or sing. Their conversation trailed off a little and Sam found himself staring. 

"What?" Asked Balthazar, grinning as he took a sip of wine.

"Nothing- just," Sam said, blushing and looking away, "you're beautiful." he said. Balthazar blushed- something he hadn't done in a long while- and laughed it off.

"Thank you, darling, but you're much prettier I think." He said gracefully. Sam laughed.   
Balthazar insisted on paying, and Sam finally obliged.   
They walked down the dark streets together, slowly, talking and enjoying each others company.

"So...how are things going up in Heaven?" Sam asked carefully. He was able to recognize Balthazar's armor better now, and was worried that he was breaking inside like Cass. Sam knew how that was- hell knew he had his armor up and was bleeding inside often enough to know. 

"There's not much I can say," said Balthazar carefully, "It's...family politics. Things get difficult. And in my family that means murder and violence." he said with a defensive laugh. "But Earth is protected. Humans are strong, stronger than my kind in a lot of ways. But we will protect you best we can." he added. Sam moved his fingers around the Angel's. Balthazar held on. 

"But if you're worried about me," he added flirtatiously, "please don't. I know how to hide." he said with a grin. Sam looked him long and hard in the eyes. 

"Cass said this war was different." He said. Balthazar nodded.

"It is. It's the biggest baddest one yet. But so was the last. You should have seen when Lucy fell. Everyone running around with their halos in knots. But that blew over." he said, restraining himself from adding another phrase. Sam knew what was going on. 

"You'll ask for help if you need it, though, won't you?" Sam asked. 

"Of course I will, darling." Balthazar said softly, holding Sam's hand a little tighter. 

~~~~

Balthazar didn't want to tell him too much. He wouldn't put him in danger. If any of his siblings dared-

"I'll tell you if anything's happening. Right now it's just rumors and speculations." he said. Sam nodded.

"But please darling let's not talk about it now. I want to just be with you." He said smiling. He didn't want to think about the war. He didn't want to think about how his hands were tied, unable to decide which of his brothers he didn't want to die- it was ridiculous. Especially when their quarreling put Sam in danger. 

"Would you like to come home with me? Just for a while," he asked. Sam laughed.

"Are you gonna take me to Heaven?" he joked.

"No, better! Paris!" Said Balthazar, grinning and teleporting them both to his mansion. 

"Woah," said Sam, looking around. Balthazar laughed. 

"Care for some wine?" he asked, inviting him into the living room.   
The balcony was open and the warm nighttime air filled the room. Sam grinned and sat beside Balthazar.

"Thanks," he said, accepting the wine. But honestly neither of them were really interested in the drink.

~~~~

Balthazar's mansion was beautiful. It felt safe- even though it was ridiculous and the balcony door was open and there were high windows all around. It felt safe because Balthazar was there. It felt safe because both knew that each would do anything for the other. Sam hesitated, unsure of how to say it. 

Balthazar wasn't just some guy. He was older than the sea. He wasn't even Human. Sam was a few seconds in the expanse of his eternal life. 

"What's wrong?" Balthazar asked, seeing Sam's face. Sam pulled together his courage, ignoring his fear of sounding like a forward child. 

"I love you," he said simply, relieved that he'd finally said it. 

Balthazar smiled as if someone had just told him the war was over. 

"I love you too, Sam." He said softly. Sam smiled and reached over, drawing Balthazar nearer for a kiss. Balthazar laughed and they pulled each other close, kissing slowly. Sam fumbled to put down his wineglass so he could wrap his arms around his Angel. Balthazar had his hand behind Sam's head, pulling him in, holding him. 

Gently, Sam pushed ever so slightly on his chest, asking. Balthazar responded, laying back and pulling Sam with him. 

Sam held himself over Balthazar as they kissed slowly, but a sense of urgency and hunger was growing between them, too delicious to ignore. Sam felt Balthazar's fingers toy with the buttons of his shirt and helped him pull it off, melting into the feeling of the Angel's hands on his skin. 

Balthazar suddenly tensed up and grabbed his Angel-blade from the table.

"What's wrong?" asked Sam. 

"Someone's coming- an Angel- forgive me love, please, I have to keep you safe-" he said, touching his shoulder and sending him back to the safety of his hotel. 

Sam appeared, landing softly on his bed.

"No!" he called aloud, afraid for Balthazar. Why did he do this? He knew Balthazar was in danger. Didn't he know that he didn't have to face it alone? 

"Balthazar let me help you!" He prayed. But there was nothing but silence. He rubbed his face and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Damn it!" he cursed softly. Dean rolled over in the bed, his eyes wide open. Sam had forgotten he would be there. 

"Sammy," he said softly, as if in shock. "You're fucking Balthazar aren't you." he said.

"Shut up Dean." 

~~~~

Balthazar sat up quickly, fear flooding him, but he kept his composure. He hated sending Sam away- he hated it with every fiber of his being, but he wasn't about to let his siblings hurt Sam. He held his Angel-blade close under his sleeve and stood as the Angel appeared before him.

"Samandriel?" He said, surprised. 

"Balthazar, there has been terrible news." Said the young Angel, his eyes wet.

"Tell me," said Balthazar.

"Our brother Gabriel is dead."

Balthazar sat gracefully on his couch.

"Thank you, Samandriel." he said softly, his face calm though tears rolled down it. Samandriel nodded and was gone. He was a good Angel.

So was Gabriel damn it! Why Gabriel? What did Gabriel ever do-  
Balthazar took a deep breath and tried not to be angry. He was absolutely done. This fighting- this stupid, pointless fighting- had to stop. Balthazar would find a way to stop it himself.

~~~~

Two weeks went by. Balthazar didn't answer his prayers, although Sam had narrowly escaped harm several times- as if an invisible hand was protecting him. All he wanted to do was talk to Balthazar. Make sure he was okay. Hell, he didn't even know-  
No. He wouldn't go there. All he knew was that...  
Was that Balthazar was in the middle of a brutal and bloody war and was in terrible danger?   
Yes, that was all.  
His worry for Balthazar was a constant baseline to the chaos that was happening around him- as well as within him.

Castiel had gone off the deep end and was working with Crowley. Angels and Demons were fighting all over the place on Earth, and the brothers felt increasingly helpless in the midst of a war of giants. On top of that, the wall in Sam's mind was beginning to crumble. It was harder to keep track of what was real and what was the Cage escaping through the cracks. 

He was loosing control- the thing he was afraid of most -and Balthazar wasn't there to catch him.  
He was loosing touch. Everything felt glitchy. But he tried to stay focused. Cass had turned in the worst way possible and that hurt Dean more than Sam had ever seen him hurt. Dean needed him. And, he thought to himself, Balthazar needed him. 

The fight wore on, on Earth and in Sam's mind.

~~~~

Three more weeks went by. 

Sam was laying awake in bed, beat from the day's fighting, trying to ignore the voice of Lucifer whispering in his ear. He was afraid it was growing. But it wasn't entirely intolerable yet, and he had to focus on the job. If he kept hurting himself a little he could still keep a grip on what was real.

"Darling-" said a voice, softly. He rolled over to see Balthazar there, kneeling beside his bed. 

"Balthazar!" he exclaimed, reaching out and putting his hand gently on the Angel's cheek as if to check that he was real. 

"I'm here love. I'm so sorry-" 

"Don't be, I'm glad you're okay!" Said Sam. Balthazar covered Sam's hand with his own. 

"It's been dangerous for me to see you, I've been terrified that..."

"What?" 

"Well darling you and your brother are the only ones who could put a hitch in the plans of Heaven. You're on the top of the list. But I've been working to keep them off your tail. Granted, it was easier with help. I...It's been-" he stopped, his eyes glistening. 

"Gabriel," said Sam, suddenly realizing what he'd been too stupid to recognize the past few weeks. Gabriel was Balthazar's brother just like Dean was his. And Gabriel was dead.

"Balth I'm so sorry-" 

Balthazar just shook his head, his defensive smile still over his mouth.

"I can't stay long." he said, accepting Sam's invitation into his bed. They lay there for a few minutes in silence, just holding each other. Satan's voice and Balthazar's sadness seemed to melt away a little in the warmth of each others arms.

"I wish that we had found each other in a different time." Said Balthazar.

"I'm just glad we did," said Sam, "and I'm glad that we have each other in this."   
Balthazar smiled.

"Me too." he said, placing a kiss on Sam's forehead. 

"I have to go now, but I'll see you again." he said, brushing back Sam's hair a little. Sam nodded.

"Be careful," Sam requested, "please."   
Balthazar grinned a little.

"Always, love. You too."  
And he was gone.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balthazar works between his family and the Winchesters, trying to save the world and his lover.

"I'll help you." Agreed Balthazar, though he had his back to his brother, afraid to look him in the face. Castiel was pleased, and left.  
Balthazar took a deep breath. He went to Bobby's house.

"I'm officially on your side. You bastards." He said fondly. Sam's eyes were filled with fear, but Balthazar gave him a warm smile while he spoke words to Dean and Bobby. 

"I'm risking my fine ass to be a double-agent. There you have it." He said.

This was the first time Balthazar had taken a stand in his family's internal battles. But Castiel was trying to open Purgatory. It was about more than just his brothers and sisters killing each other- Earth and Heaven and Hell were all on the table. Balthazar couldn't sit back and watch that- especially not when Sam was involved. 

He worked between Castiel and the Winchesters, and Castiel didn't suspect. Things were falling apart quickly, though, despite everyone trying to hold them together.  
He worked tirelessly, putting up every roadblock he could in front of Castiel and his new playmate Crowley without getting caught, bringing every bit of news he could back to the Winchesters. 

Once when he went with news it was just Sam, who pushed him against the wall and kissed him as if he were starving.  
They were both afraid. Balthazar held him tightly.

"Stay strong darling," he said, smoothing his hair.

"Stay with me, please Balthazar," Sam begged, his eyes closed, resting his forehead on the Angel's. Balthazar's heart broke.

"I wish I could my love," he said. They both knew that Castiel was keeping tabs on him- that if he was gone for more than a few minutes he would check his location, and if he found him with the Winchesters his wrath would be swift.  
Balthazar would have risked it, were it just his life he was worried about.

"I can't let him know. He will hurt you." He said softly.

"I don't care-" protested Sam,

"There's more in this world than just us, darling. Dean and Bobby...there are things we cannot bargain." He said.

Sam nodded, his jaw set.

"I love you, Balthazar." he said.

"I love you Sam." Balthazar replied, kissing him once more before he vanished, leaving Sam there in the house alone, his eyes bright and wet. 

Balthazar had made up his mind. It didn't matter if Sam was a hero or not. He was taking him away. As soon as this mess was over he was taking Sam away. They'd live somewhere quietly, in peace. Sam would be able to stop worrying, he would be able to have a life. They would sit under the trees under the sun and that, that would be Heaven.

~~~~

Balthazar was loosing. 

Cass was pushing forward. The help of Crowley was more than Balthazar could have bargained, and he was pulling at straws trying to stop them. He hated feeling helpless.  
He hated the idea that he might have to kill Castiel.

He had the ingredients. Balthazar left him and flew to Sam, covering his tracks.  
But Sam was unconscious, the wall in his mind having worn down to nothing. 

Balthazar stood there in the doorway of Bobby's safe-room.

How did this all get so far out of hand? How could his brothers have taken everything away from him- his home, his family, and now his lover?

He wanted to go sit next to him, to kiss his forehead, to whisper in his troubled ear and tell him it was going to be okay, that he would fix it- but Dean and Bobby were there with untrusting eyes.

That was good. They would protect Sam.

Sam who lay there strapped to the bed so he didn't hurt himself as he had his mind tortured by Lucifer.

Balthazar wished that he could heal him. He wished that he could stop all of this. He wished that he was holding Sam, safely in Paris.  
But there was no time for contemplation. He had to stop Castiel. Then he would come and heal Sam, even if it meant taking on the Madness himself. He had to stop Castiel first.

It took all the willpower in the world to push him to that decision, but he knew he had to. If Cass got the gate open they'd all be doomed, healed or not. And he knew that were he to take on Sam's illness now, he wouldn't be able to take care of Castiel.

"Castiel has all of the ingredients. He will open the gate tonight, on the full moon." He said, trying not to let his broken heart sound through his words. 

He had failed. He had failed his family, failed his home, and failed his lover who he was sworn to protect.

Maybe that was the real reason he'd spent so much time hiding on Earth. Because he was terrible at everything.

He looked at Sam again, in the room.  
Sam loved him. Despite everything, Sam loved him.

He wasn't going to give up.

Balthazar wished he could see that fire in his eyes again. But he knew that if he didn't go now that fire would die along with Sam's whole planet full of beautiful Humans.  
He held his Angel-blade tightly in his sleeve, and nodded to Dean Winchester. He knew that if he failed, Dean would take care of Sam.  
And he left, appearing in the old warehouse his brother was waiting in.

Why couldn't these things ever happen anywhere nice, he mused.  
His palm sweated around the Angel-blade as he watched Castiel's back. 

"Hello Balthazar." Said Castiel, clutching his jar of blood, not turning to look at him.

"Hello Cassie." Balthazar said, imagining the white light extinguishing from his dear brother's eyes, the red liquid pouring out from his vessel around Balthazar's own blade.  
He thought of Sam. He thought of when he had cured the Vampires. If only he could cure Castiel.

"It seems my friends are abandoning me. My brothers...flee from my side. I only want to help them. Help them see that I could be a better god than our father ever was. But they run from me." Castiel mused. 

"Well, you've always got little old me." Said Balthazar.  
He should do it, and do it now. But he couldn't. 

He loved Cass. Maybe if he talked- maybe he could make him see. Maybe he could get through this without loosing another brother. 

He slid the blade back up his sleeve. He would do this his way. Sam's way.

"Do I?" Asked Castiel. Balthazar's vessel twitched nervously. 

"It seems we have a Judas in the midst." Said Castiel, putting down his jar carefully.

"Cass-" Balthazar started, but Cass had spun around, and Balthazar's stomach felt entirely too cold. He felt the electricity of his true form struggle from the confines of his vessel, lightening turning on itself, and he saw Castiel's face.

And he was sorry, terribly sorry, that Castiel didn't let him talk, that Castiel didn't stop. Because he knew Castiel and he knew he thought he was doing what was right, but he knew that there would come a day when he would regret it. 

But the world was fading and Balthazar was afraid. He felt the lightening dying inside him and his vessel was cold and wet with blood.

He needed a happy thought to sing him to sleep. His heart beat twice more, just for Sam. 

And all was darkness.

~~~~

Sam hadn't slept in days. The wall was broken and Lucifer was scrambling around in his brain. He couldn't fight. On top of that he didn't know where Balthazar was. Purgatory was opened, but Balthazar wasn't answering his scattered, choked out prayers. 

People told him Balthazar was dead and Cass was god, but Sam knew that was just Lucifer playing with his mind, trying to break him. Balthazar couldn't be dead. 

But he was terrified.

Everything was a blur of pain and torture. He was in a hospital now, locked in a room where he couldn't hurt anyone. But his mind just got worse. He was breaking in a way he never thought possible. Just as he thought he was done, when he was sure he was going to die, Castiel put his hand on his forehead and took it all away.

~~~~

Dean filled him in.  
Balthazar truly was dead.

Sam went into the woods and screamed. He was glad Castiel had to deal with Lucifer. Glad he was being hurt, tortured, locked up in that little room.

Dean called his phone, asking him to come back, that he hadn't slept in days. But Sam didn't care.  
He sat in the forest and cried.

Hours later, he walked heavily into the hotel. He took a shower. He laid in bed.  
He couldn't cry any more because he'd used all of his tears. He gladly surrendered his consciousness to the waves of exhaustion.

~~~~

"Darling," said Balthazar softly, laying next to him, 

"please forgive Castiel. He is my brother. I loved him as you love Dean. I am sorry that I failed you. But know that I failed on the side of love. We have hearts and are prone to listening to them. We see the gray area and we ask questions. Perhaps it does make us weak sometimes. But it is also our greatest strength. I would rather have that as a weakness than not have it at all. You taught me that, Sam Winchester. I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry we never got to fuck." He added with a flirty grin. 

Ever so gently he kissed Sam's forehead. 

"I know you will be okay. You are a hero. Sleep now, my love, and know that you are good. Know that I loved you." He said with a smile, and he was gone.

His mansion was empty now, and the gentle autumn breeze blew in the smell of Paris at midnight. The feeling of Balthazar's protection still lingered over the place. Bottles of wine, brandy and whiskey lined the mantle in case his favorite brothers stopped by. Sam's shirt was on the couch where they'd almost made love. 

The emptiness was not sad, just there. It was full of longing. Wishing that just once, just for a few minutes, he could stay.


End file.
